


The Death of Me

by Alexgalaxies



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, Heavy Angst, Let Yaz have emotions!, Mainly references S12, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Some Fluff, Songfic, The Doctor talks about her feelings, Yaz talks about her feelings, thasmin, this is a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22275967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexgalaxies/pseuds/Alexgalaxies
Summary: The Doctor and Yaz talk about their FEELINGS. Finally!! They both just need to cry it all out. But most of all they need to talk and VENT. So I did that. The TARDIS intervenes as well. I can't say much else without spoiling it, read and find out!
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	The Death of Me

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh I didn't mean to make it this long but here we are  
> idea from @authenticsleeping on Tumblr  
> I have never written for Thasmin before but I hope you enjoy this!  
> The Songfic part of this comes in more later in the fic

After having escaped death several times over her travels with The Doctor Yasmin Khan was starting to feel the effects of the violence and ever-present dangers that were all but promised with each and every trip in the blue box. The trauma was becoming a recurring issue, like nightmares including certain aliens or people they met who died right before them, and even just being stuck in terrifying life-threatening situations. Not that she’d admit it to anyone but she has woken up crying on more than one occasion.

Yaz wasn’t tired of traveling with The Doctor, it’s just one slip up could cost her her life and she knew that she couldn’t leave her family like that, but besides that, she couldn’t help but be hurt by the Doctor’s distance from her and ‘the fam’ as she called them. This beautiful woman who crashed into her life and showed her things she could never have even dreamed of, who took _them_ on adventures was basically shutting them out, not talking that much or just completely babbling because she knew that they wouldn’t listen to half of what she was saying anyway, but Yaz did. She always paid attention to the Doctor, someone had to be listening, besides she was infatuated with this woman. Yaz supposed this was why it hurt so much. She wasn’t shy about how she felt, she knew no matter how hard she tried she would never be able to suppress the feelings she had for the Doctor, so she didn’t. Yaz just let them grow, and develop properly, she knew for sure that it wasn’t just some school girl crush. These were actual proper feelings and that was a whole other problem for Yaz.

These feelings for the Doctor took precedence over her own safety sometimes. She just couldn’t help it, she wanted to help the Doctor, she wanted to feel useful, and maybe just a little bit to impress the blonde woman. Whenever the Doctor told Yaz she was ‘brilliant’ her heart beat faster and she blushed, the Doctor was always so genuine, especially with Yaz. They had become each other’s confidants throughout their time traveling together. The Doctor was an important part of her life and she didn’t want to have to let her go.

It was a Sunday morning, the Autumn air was crisp in Sheffield. Yaz woke up laying in her own bed, wishing she were on the TARDIS, she dreaded the day to come. It would be mundane and nothing would happen like always, she would stay a Police Constable at the lowest rank, stuck with parking disputes. She wants nothing more than to stay on the TARDIS with the Doctor at least then she would feel appreciated and useful (being called brilliant by a beautiful blonde didn’t hurt either). Although she knew she couldn’t do it, sometimes she would just let herself ponder the idea.

Yasmin Khan, destined for greatness or so the Doctor said at least. The Doctor had to share some of the same feelings for her. They had too many close moments that felt more than platonic to be a coincidence. They held hands, hugged a lot, and were lightly too touchy for ‘just friends’. Or when she let Yaz play with her hair (really she asked for Yaz too) and just blushed when Yaz would compliment her, or really any time Yaz complimented her. Also, it seemed they always found excuses just to be touchy with one another.

Now that’s stopped almost completely and it wasn’t good for the Doctor to be bottling her emotions or for Yaz to be so alone in what she was going through. To have someone close you that you talked to almost constantly and were affectionate with to suddenly just stop and not talk about it, it was a lot for both of them.

A thought popped into her head while on her way to yet another parking dispute, seriously how can there be so many, she decided she wanted to tell the Doctor how she has been feeling lately. _Maybe opening up to her will make her feel safe enough to open up to her too._

It was decided, after her shift she would confront the Doctor, but not in a threatening manner, she didn’t want her to feel like a cornered animal. She wanted her to feel seen the same way Yaz wanted the Doctor to see her too. That’s exactly what she did she went to the usual spot the Doctor parked her TARDIS not even bothering to go home and change first. Opening the doors with a bright smile on her face she spoke “Doctor I need to talk to you!” in a peppy tone, which she almost immediately regretted, the tone of their discussion was going to be pretty serious, but she couldn’t help it. This was the Doctor and she was elated to see this woman. 

The Doctor maneuvered around the console to see the other woman. “Hiya Yaz! Ooh still in uniform, just off of work yeah?” She was now staring at Yaz, it wasn’t often Yaz was still in her work attire, and to be fair she thought Yaz looked quite nice in it.

Yaz walked towards the console and the Doctor, taking off her hat and vest in the process. “Yeah, this is too important to wait for, plus I have clothes here I can change into,” Yaz said as a matter of factly. 

The Doctor just nodded hesitantly. _Yaz in the TARDIS wanting to talk about something important, this can’t go well, or maybe it can. Hope for the best ay?_ The Doctor tried to stay positive for Yaz’s sake.

Yaz could see the wheels spinning in the Doctor’s head. She reached for her arm and rubbed the side of it reassuringly. “Hey, it’s okay, we just haven’t caught up recently,” She paused noticing the Doctor relax under her touch. “Are the boys around?” She changed the topic so things wouldn’t have to become too much for the Doctor all at once, which was apparently the right thing to do since the Doctor snapped out of her thoughts immediately.

“No, I haven’t seen them today,” She straightened her posture and scrunched her face trying to remember. “I haven’t seen them since,” She licked her lips which made Yaz suck in a breath and bite her cheek. “I had tea with Graham I suppose, your two days ago and Ryan very briefly while I was having tea with Graham,”

Two days, alone, but the Doctor had a time machine and it could have been a very long time for her. “How long ago was that for you?” Yaz was afraid of the answer, the Doctor’s, mood has been very isolating, as in she isolated herself for days on end. Yaz could tell by the level of excitement in the Doctor’s voice when she saw them. If it had been a short time she was regularly energetic, she knew it had been a longer time if the Doctor was more happy to see them than usual, but the worst was when she was energetic but when they last saw her they had bothered her or left her feeling upset, that meant that the Doctor had waited a decently _long_ time for her to cool down and act like she wasn’t even upset or just that it had been _so_ long that the excitement would have been warranted because it had been so long.

“Oh, not that long, about a week or two,” The Doctor tried to belittle the amount of time by shrugging it off like it was nothing. When Yaz had first suggested she was doing something like this, she said that she was reading and just lost track of time, then proceeded to go on a tangent about time and house tricky it is.

Sorrow found its way into Yaz’s tone, “Doctor,” It might’ve been the very much wrong thing to say especially the way she said it, but it was too late to go back now.

The Doctor somewhat shrank into herself knowing she had disappointed Yaz. Then almost immediately her eyes went wide and she breathed in a big breath preparing to speak, “How about we go somewhere? A girls’ trip, we can skip waiting for the boys!” She spun around reaching for the buttons and switches on the console.

Before Yaz could argue the TARDIS’s familiar sound thrummed in her ears and they were off going who knows where. As the two were attempting to hold their positions for the duration of the ride Yaz shouted, “Doctor this isn’t what I meant,”

As the TARDIS came to a stop the blonde woman ignored Yaz’s complaint. “Oi,” She walked around the console, “What was that for?” She looked up to the ceiling and the TARDIS just whirred in response.

“Where are we?” Yaz was a little bit afraid of where they might be. _Nothing dangerous. Nothing dangerous. Nothing dangerous. Please._ Anxiety made its way throughout her body. She had a long day at work and in general didn’t feel equipped to deal with an adventure where she could almost die, again.

The Doctor pulled up the screen so she could read it, “Nowhere specifically,” She pointed to the doors, “Have a look for yourself,” She was silently cursing the time ship for its disobedience. _Siding with Yaz? Really?_

Yaz took a couple of deep breaths not sure what to expect behind those doors. Then she slowly made her way to them. Her hand trembled as she reached to open one of them. Pulling it open a sharp breath found its way into her lungs, then a sigh of relief was released. “It’s beautiful,” The sight before her eyes was a star system with so many colors and distant stars peppering the sky. She leaned against the door taking in the different hues. Somehow it calmed her nerves. A tear made its way down Yaz’s cheek. 

Suddenly the Doctor was behind her, it startled her. Yaz flinched when the Doctor opened the other door. “Yaz,” The brunette turned to face her. She saw the tear, “Yaz, are you alright?” She began trying to see if there was anything physically causing her to cry, checking her hands and arms, her neck, then she cradled her face between her hands looking her in the eyes. She wiped away the tear.

Yaz couldn’t help but turn away from the Doctor’s caring touch. It was too much for her to handle so many emotions all at once. Her breathing quickened in its pace. “No, I’m not,” This was what she wanted, to be alone with the Doctor, the time to be able to talk to her without interruptions or distractions. _Why is it so hard to say what I’ve been wanting to?_ The TARDIS just gave her the perfect moment to come clean about everything. They are together floating in outer space and the TARDIS probably wouldn’t let them leave until they have everything sorted. It just all felt wrong. She walked back towards the console leaving the Doctor standing alone at the door watching her walk away.

“You wanted to talk, I guess now’s your chance,” The Doctor offered. She took a couple of steps forward, being cautious of Yaz, knowing that she wanted a little bit of space between them. 

She stayed facing away from the Doctor, looking at the ground. Yaz’s voice was soft with the same sadness from before. “But you don’t want to-” All of her feelings were rattling inside her, threatening to spill out.

The Doctor cut her off. “I never said tha-” She felt the need to correct or explain or justify the situation.

It was Yaz’s turn to cut the Doctor off. Turning around her anger showed in her voice. “You just tried to run away from it,” She gestured at the console. “Trying to distract from the situation like you always do, you just didn’t have the boys here to go along with it this time,” The Doctor couldn’t argue with the accusations, they were right, and she couldn’t do anything but look down with shame. “Well, aren’t you going to say something?” The Doctor shook her head. Yaz sighed. The Doctor was almost never speechless. It was actually kinda scary. “Doctor?”

“Yaz?” Her head tilted up so she was looking at Yaz.

She tried to gather her thoughts into something that could be coherent. “I’ve been having a hard time coping with,” She paused feeling her voice trembling, with a wavering voice she continued. “Our adventures. Some of the things I’ve seen, they’re so amazing,” She walked back over to the Doctor. “But some of them have been horrible and tragic and I can’t believe how I’ve had so many close calls,” The Doctor nodded, listening intently. “I’ve seen people die right before my eyes, I’ve almost died, I thought I was dead in that other dimension,” Her heart sank in her chest and the tears returned beginning to fall from her eyes.

The Doctor felt her heart breaking. “Oh, Yaz,” She reached for Yaz again, testing the waters. She pulled her into a hug. Yaz let her, she needed to be held.

Yaz felt her throat beginning to tighten. She could barely whisper. “I’ve been waking up in cold sweats from the nightmares,” Yaz felt weak.

The Doctor felt Yaz leaning on her more, and felt Yaz’s knees wobble. “Hey,” She pulled back, keeping a hold on her. “Come with me,” Yaz let the Doctor lead her through the corridors. They ended up at Yaz’s bedroom. The Doctor took the pins out of Yaz’s hair letting it fall to her shoulders.

Yaz was confused. “Doctor I don’t want to sleep,” That was actually the last thing she wanted.

“We’re not going to sleep,” Yaz felt her heart skip a beat at that even though she knows that’s not what the Doctor meant. The Doctor urged her to lay on the bed to which she obeyed. Then the Doctor laid down next to her. 

Yaz turned towards the Doctor and wrapped an arm around her resting her head on the Doctor’s shoulder. The Doctor wrapped her arms around Yaz as well. She kissed the top of Yaz’s head. Then they laid like that for a little bit, cuddled together, letting Yaz cry like she needed to and allowing her the comfort she also needed. The Doctor was the only person she felt like she could talk to about everything.

After a while, the Doctor was the one to break the silence. “Why didn’t you say anything before?” She frowned, a sense of dread poured over her, feeling like she knew the answer already.

Yaz took a deep breath before speaking. “You were just sulking all the time or pretending not to be,” She kept her head down, on the Doctor’s shoulder. She didn’t think she could handle the pressure of the Doctor’s eyes on her. “It was obvious you had your own things going on and you wouldn’t talk about any of it so I didn’t want to add worrying about me to your emotional to-do list,” She closed her eyes afraid of what the Doctor might say next.

“Yasmin Khan, how could you think such a thing?” The Doctor squeezed her tightly. She felt guilt serge throughout her entire being. She felt like she failed Yaz, making sure her companions were okay were always a priority. “I could never not have time for my Yaz” 

Yaz cuddled more closely hiding her face in the crook of the Doctor’s neck, tears in her eyes swelling again. When Yaz pulled back She looked the Doctor in her eyes, searching for anything telling her not to do what she wanted to do. There was nothing but love and care in her eyes. Yaz reached up a hand and touched the Doctor’s cheek and the Doctor mimicked her movements wiping away the tears once more. Yaz smiled at her and the Doctor smiled just as brightly back.

They let go, returning to cuddling as they had been before. The Doctor’s face got all serious but not angry just trying to be reassuring. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but I want you to know you can talk to me no matter what’s going on with me,” She searched Yaz’s expression for understanding and Yaz nodded. “You just need to say the word and I’m yours,”

Yaz nodded at the Doctor’s offer, but before letting the topic slide by altogether she said, “You can talk to me too,” Yaz said simply. “You need to let it out sometimes too,”

Her expression changed one full of concern. “Yaz,” The Doctor said her name almost like an adult would say to a child who doesn’t understand the weight of what is being said.

Yaz shook her head. “No, Doctor,” She paused making sure the other woman was listening. “I mean it, please talk to me. We used to do it so effortlessly, and you _need_ to talk to someone,”

She nodded. “Okay,” The Doctor said, not quite knowing if she meant it or not. She just wanted Yaz to be okay and if promising to open up more made that happen then she would agree.

A smile found it’s way onto her face. Yaz looked up at the Doctor. “Okay?” Yaz was astounded at how easily the Doctor conceded.

She returned the gaze looking down at Yaz. “But on my own time,” Yaz expected nothing less from the Doctor.

Yaz wanted to make it a little easier for the Doctor, make sure that she saw it as doable. “Just do a little at a time okay? It doesn’t have to be all at one time yeah?”

“Yasmin I think I can do that, as long as you do too,” The Doctor shifted the focus of the conversation back onto Yaz. She was deflecting but also showing Yaz that she cared about her. “I don’t want you hiding things when it comes to how you feel about our adventures,”

  
  


Yaz felt her heart swelling in her chest, a complete shift from the past weeks. “You make it all worth it Doctor,” It was the truth. If this was how she got to be with the Doctor and not be shut out then, by all means, let the danger come.

The Doctor felt her heart sink at the statement. The realization set in. _Yaz is willing to be traumatized just to be with me._ “Yaz,” She said with disappointment in her tone. “You can’t neglect yourself just because you want to be around me,”

“I know, it’s just,” She paused trying to find the words, “I don’t want to lose you,” To her own struggles or anything else to that matter.

The blonde laughed. “You won’t get rid of me that easily Yaz,” She said it like a promise, which it was in a way.

Yaz started feeling brave, the conversation has been going so well. She decided she would mention the other thing she has been wanting even before everything went wrong. “Doctor?”

The Doctor turned her head, “Yeah, Yaz?”

Yaz hesitated for a moment, considering backing out, then proceeded anyway. “There’s something else I need to talk to you about, I think you feel the same about this that I do, but I need to know for sure,” _Should be easy enough, right, slowly open up. This is about both of us._

“Okay? What is it?” The Doctor was nervous but also curious. _What was it that we might feel the same on that needs to be clarified?_

Yaz sat up so the Doctor did too, concerned. The Doctor stroked Yas’s back. Yas turned facing the Doctor and reached up to hold the Doctor’s face between her hands. She leaned in and she kissed the Doctor. She was kissed right back. It was almost automatic, the Doctor didn’t need to think about it, it just felt natural and right. Yaz reveled in this kiss, she never felt like she needed to do anything more than kiss the Doctor right at this moment. Yaz has been waiting for this moment, since the first time they held hands, she wished for it whenever they hugged. She was relieved and full of disbelief that she was kissing this woman who changed her life. The longing was all but satiated. The Doctor reveled in the kiss too. She wrapped her arms around Yaz and held her closer not denying herself what she wanted. That was all the clarification Yaz needed.

The Doctor was the one to pull away. Yaz saw the conflict going on within the Doctor, the inner turmoil taking over her mind. All sorts of thoughts were going through the Doctor’s head, ones of regret, ones of validation, and ones that just wanted to do it again.

The shock settled in. “Oh my god.” Yaz was terrified. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-” She cut herself off. “I’m so stupid,” She got off the bed distancing herself from the blonde alien figuring that was the best thing for both of them.

Stopped in her train of thought. A new one popped in. _Yasmin Khan degrading herself. No way. I’m not having that._ “Never say that about yourself, you’re not stupid Yasmin Khan, not in the slightest,” The Doctor was so sure of herself. Her words were almost harsh in their tone.

“So, you feel the same?” Yaz felt somewhat relaxed and a little confused.

The Doctor took her eyes off of Yaz. “It’s complicated,” She tilted her head squinting her eyes. She took time thinking carefully about her words.

Yaz squinted her eyes with further confusion. “It’s a yes or no,” _Are you trying to say no politely? Let me down easy? It’s okay, just tell me. Please say something._

After a few more moments the Doctor finally settled on saying. “We can’t,” She looked back at Yaz seeing a new sadness on her face.

“Why not?” Yaz almost felt embarrassed at her reaction.

“It’s complicated,” Scratching the back of her neck she shrugged.

Now annoyance planted itself within Yaz. “You already said that,”

“I know, but it is,” She shook her head, hoping Yaz would get it.

“You feel the same for me,” Yas was adamant in her statement. “Why is us have feelings for each other complicated?” The Doctor remained silent. “I think either I am owed an explanation or I need to be taken home,” She crossed her arms over her chest waiting, her eyes watching the Doctor. This time it was Yaz who felt like she needed to be alone for a little bit, maybe the Doctor would figure out what she wanted to say or she can try to figure out why she and the Doctor would be bad when they both have feelings for one another.

For the Doctor it had been a while since she opened up to Yaz properly, it was so difficult, she was trying to remember how, but the walls she had built were so difficult to take apart brick by brick, and she just couldn’t say anything about this.

All of a sudden the TARDIS whirred back into motion and they were off again. “Doctor, what did you do?” She stumbled over. The TARDIS didn’t seem happy with the way things were going between the two women.

“I haven’t done anything,” She rushed out of the room and to the console room. “Where are you going now?” She asked the moving pillar in the center.

When Yaz finally made it to the room they had just landed. The Doctor was looking at the screen reading the location. She sighed in disappointment.

“Where are we?” Yaz asked from the doorway.

The Doctor hung her head. “Home. Seems like the TARDIS chose for me,”

“We’re back in Sheffield,” She meant it as a question but it came out as a statement. She was upset and she guessed the TARDIS was done with them getting nowhere with each other or more so with the Doctor’s evasiveness. Nevertheless, Yaz made her way to the doors to leave. 

As Yaz walked the Doctor felt the walls come crashing down. She wanted nothing more than to just tell Yaz why. _Don’t let her leave, not like this._ Before thinking it through, Yaz was almost to the doors, the Doctor spoke, “Wait!” She rushed over to Yaz grabbing her hand stopping her. “You don’t deserve this,” Yaz nodded her head agreeing with the blonde. “You deserve an explanation,”

“So get on with it then,”

“I don’t know how to say it all,” Yaz tugged her hand from the Doctor’s grip, rolling her eyes. She turned to leave. “Before you go-” Yaz stopped in place. The Doctor paused taking a gulp and swallowed her pride. “I would love you if I could,” _Sounds like I don’t love her, of course, I love her, fix that!!!_ She put a fist to her forehead, “I mean- I would love you like you deserve to be loved if I could,” She took a couple of steps toward Yaz.

She turned to face the Doctor. “Why can’t you?” They were very close in proximity to one another. It was almost hard for Yaz to breathe.

Her eyes were pleading. “I’m not ready,” The Doctor felt so much sadness within her. Years of it threatening to spill any second.

Worry washed over Yaz. “Will you ever be ready? Because I don’t think I can do _this_ knowing we have feelings, real mutual feelings, and you don’t want to do anything about it,” The implications of what she was saying had a weight that was now heavy for both of them.

The Doctor pushed some hair behind Yaz’s ear and held her face. Yaz leaned into the touch. The Doctor felt like she was cracking open. “Yaz, I am a mess. An unsteady mess, you know how I’ve been as of recent,” She closed her eyes, attempting to delay the tears that would soon come. _I can’t lose Yaz, not like this._

Yaz held the Doctor’s hand in place by resting her hand over the top of it stroking her fingers. “Let me be here for you, Doctor, please. You weren’t always a mess like this,” It hurt Yaz’s heart to see the Doctor cracking, but this vulnerability was necessary for the Doctor to finally let some of what she’s been feeling out.

The Doctor fell to her knees holding onto Yaz’s legs. “I want nothing more than to be with you and let you in, it’s just so hard Yaz,” There were tears falling down her cheeks. “I’d love to give you anything and everything, it’s just losing you would kill me,” Her fears were laid out before Yaz.

“You won’t lose me, Doctor,” Steadily Yaz knelt down to be on par with the Doctor and hugged her. 

She was sobbing but she choked out “You don’t get it, I lose everyone,” She felt so pathetic, talking like this. The tears were relentless and just kept falling as she recalled people she has lost throughout her life and recently the lives she was unable to save from her home.

Yaz tried to reassure the woman before her. Pulling back she looked the Doctor in the eyes. “You haven’t lost me or Ryan and Graham,” Yaz didn’t quite understand the complete depths of loss the Doctor has felt through the many lives they have collectively lived.

The Doctor shook her head. “I will, I have lost so many lives, I have lost so many people that it’s unimaginable, even people I have never even known. Or people move on from me and that’s a best-case scenario. Sometimes I miss them so much and it just hurts so much. I hear them, I remember them, they are only a whisper to the rest of the universe but most of them were ripped away from me, all of them in so many horrible ways. Their ghosts still haunt me. Sometimes it hurts so much I think that the pain of it all will be the death of me.” The Doctor Started talking and simply couldn’t stop it from all spilling out. “I forgot how good it feels to have feelings like this Yaz, I am head over heels for you. I don’t want to walk away from this, but I can’t lose you like I’ve lost the others. It would hurt so much worse if we-” Her voice caught in her throat another sob threatening to escape. “It wouldn’t be fair to let you stay like you said-” She paused attempting to collect herself.

Yaz took the moment to speak. “Doctor I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to push like this,” She lifted the Doctor’s head and wiped away her tears and kissed her forehead which only seemed to make the tears start streaming down her face again. “I just know, _we_ both want an _us_ ,”

“An _us_ isn’t going to just fix my issues,” She shook her head. “I can’t let you try to take on my burdens too” 

She stroked the Doctor’s hair trying to help calm her down.“I’m not trying to, I just want to be here to help you get through them and for you to let me,” There was so much care in Yaz’s voice it was almost overwhelming, to feel so cared about.

She tried to argue against Yaz’s concern and warmth. “But if anything ever-” her voice wavered. “It’d be my fault,”

“Doctor, not everything bad that happens is your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for anything that goes wrong when it comes to those you care about most, let yourself enjoy things,” She tried to reason with the Doctor hoping that it would break through the misplaced guilt the Doctor felt. Deep down the Doctor knew it was good that she talked about this with Yaz.

The Doctor nodded. It would take some time for the Doctor to actually follow through with what Yaz had suggested but just this once just, for now, she would allow herself something good. It was the Doctor’s turn to pull Yaz in for a kiss. She kissed her like her life depended on it and Yaz kissed her back. _I love you, Yasmin Khan._

**Author's Note:**

> this may be the quickest I've worked on a fic but also the most words I've written for a one shot
> 
> (the door was locked when Yaz went to leave, the TARDIS was forcing them to talk, the TARDIS ships Thasmin)


End file.
